A Sled Dog in Summer.

*A few days after posting this I received an opportunity to do something I love, and it offers as much work as I'd like to have.  So, the lesson?  If you're frustrated, give in and whine about it.  Worked for me.

The last month has been a completely new experience for me.  With Hudson in school, I have more free time than I've ever had.  Like since I was a kid on summer vacation.

On one hand, it's been wonderful.  I have a lot of time.  I have time to read and have lunch with friends I haven't seen in a while, and time to help people when they need it.  I have all the time I want for everything I want to do.  All this and I still get several hours a day with my kids after school.  It sounds amazing, and in many ways it is.

Of course, it also isn't.  It's also very, very hard for me.  I know this is a season, and it will end someday.  I want to embrace it, but it is hard to know how to manage this much free time.  It's like winning the lottery and being told to "spend it wisely."  That's vague.

It's also just lonely and discouraging.  I hesitate to write that because you'll think I'm looking for sympathy; I'm not.  It's just true.  If this time is teaching me anything, it's that it is not good for Megan to be alone.  I am an introvert through and through, and I do need to be left alone for significant amounts of time, but not this much time.  Too much, and I get weird. So I push to get time with people, and that's good for me.  I also really like to be productive and get things done. I love to multi-task.  I miss it, and I know this is a good thing.

Add to this all my amazing friends, and my husband, who are all extremely busy doing important things every day, while I chill out with nothing to do.  That's not my favorite.  These dear friends are also very encouraging, and always telling me things I should do.  I should write a book or start a business or expand the one I already have, I should volunteer at _______, I should help more at church, I should attend more Bible studies... and so on.  There are a lot of things I could do, but I don't want to fill my time with lots of little things just to stay busy.  I want to do a few things really, really well. 

You might be asking, "Why don't you just get a job?"  Because for right now, I can't commit to anything that doesn't revolve around our school schedule.  And I am iron-clad OK with that.  And yes, I've been applying for those jobs since last winter.  The number of jobs I have applied for is now in the dozens.  I've obviously not gotten any of them.  I've actually never even gotten an interview.  This is where Jim likes to point out, "They haven't even met you.  If they knew you they'd hire you."

Of course no one wants to hire the me that's on paper, because on paper it looks like I have absolutely no experience doing anything and have no way to speak for the last decade of my life.  Again, I know I will be fine but to be honest, that much rejection is a tough pill to swallow.  For the most part I'm honestly OK.  I knew staying home and working as a mom would leave me with no regrets, and I have zero regrets.  None. But occasionally something happens that triggers how I really feel about no one wanting to hire me; like an encounter this week that left me totally broken up about it.  Like last night I broke down and cried for no less than 90 minutes.  Moving on.

To be clear, I am pretty passionate about the life experience I've had as a mom, and I know I have a lot of useful strengths.  I know I have a skill set.  I know this is a season, and in the absence of a busy schedule I'm learning to want good work to do.  I know life will evolve and I know the time I have right now will prepare me for what's next. 

Until then, I feel a little bit like a sled dog in summer.