Transparency

When I decided to go to Africa about a month ago, and I started telling people, it was slow coming out of my mouth.  I felt a bit like Frank and April in Revolutionary Road, announcing they're moving to Paris- a big, huge, liberating idea that never comes to fruition.  Or, like Bernice, talking and talking about bobbing her hair but never thinking it would actually happen- and when she's forced into it, it's horrible.

I knew from the beginning that I really would go, and I've never just thought it was a good conversation starter to make me seem interesting, but, I still felt like an April or a Bernice just the same. 

You all think in book characters too, right?  Anyone?  Anyone?  And moving on-

I really am going.

This really is an incredible intersection of the things I'm passionate about, the things I'm equipped to do, and the things I need to grow in.  This sounds exactly like the kind of thing we should throw ourselves into.

I was thinking this morning- of all the things people have asked me about, there are really only two main things that cause me a bit of pain in going.  Don't judge.  They'll sound more and more stupid the minute I type them, and the moment you read them. 

1.  Air Travel.

Anne Lamott says it for me,

"My idea of everything going smoothly on an airplane is (a) that I not die in a slow-motion fiery crash or get stabbed to death by terrorists and (b) that none of the other passengers try to talk to me.  All conversation should end at the moment the wheels leave the ground."

And Amen.


2. My Sweet Baby 85.







I've been expecting her for 6 months, waiting, and waiting.  I think about her every day.  Sometimes I click this link and just look at her.

She has to wait.  Africa comes with a price tag.  And, to quote my very kind, logical, and supportive husband, "I don't think that would be a wise purchase right now."

Sigh.

I'm going to be transparent.  I cried a little about it this morning.



But I'm going to be strong, and take heart, and focus on everything else there is to gain- which eclipses these things in a heartbeat.