Wanted

Samantha Krieger posted this video yesterday, watch it if you can- it's an incredible project.

But it struck a chord that my heart plays often.

I was 20 years old, a senior in college, married for four months. I was absolutely certain I was about 6 weeks pregnant, but due to my clinic's policies, I needed to have a test done in-clinic to be sure, and to book with an OBGYN.

I remember everything about the visit very vividly. It was sunny outside. I was wearing a blue South Dakota State University sweatshirt. It was late in the afternoon. There were all kinds of people in the waiting room, all ages. I wondered what they were there for. The nurse was very friendly, both she and the doctor were middle-aged. I know I looked young, because I was.

I needed to wait in an exam room for the results. When I heard a knock on the door, both the nurse and doctor came in, silently, with very somber expressions. I was at once very worried. I had taken a blood test- what did they find? Until this point, I had just expected a cut-and-dry outcome- a, "Yep, you're right on, like you already knew, you're pregnant. Here's your card for your next appointment." And I'd be out of there. They looked so serious, it caught me off guard.

My concerned doctor sat down next to me, looked me right in the eye, and softly said, "Your test result was positive. There is a pregnancy."

The nurse was just silent in the background, with an, "Oh, honey" look on her face.

My first reaction was relief, and a, "Great! I was absolutely sure I was- can't wait to tell my husband it's "official".

I can. not. forget. what happened next. The doctor, truly a great man I think- his face shifted instantly to a look of total surprise/confusion.

"Well [uncomfortably long pause], if you want them, kids are great!"

And the rest of our conversation was short, sweet, and awkward. And then I was on my way.

This just cored me. Because I knew, if I didn't want this, I could end it. I would have immediately been put in contact with Planned Parenthood in Sioux Falls, a clinic I now drive by on a regular basis. My appointment would have been swiftly and discreetly made, and no one would have asked questions. I wouldn't have even had to tell Jim about this pregnancy. I could have told him our suspicions were mistaken, there was no baby. He didn't even have to know.

Because I wanted it, I was led to the appointment desk, where I filled out more paperwork, made my first official appointment with my new OBGYN, and was given a neat tote bag full of coupons, magazines and free stuff, as well as tons of information on how to take care of myself now that I was also caring for a baby- how to eat, how to exercise, what to drink, what not to drink, what medicines I could take, and what I absolutely couldn't, how to pick baby names, how to start planning for a nursery, which vitamins I needed to go buy right now. Because now it was all about protecting that baby and helping it thrive.

Because now that I had made it clear that I wanted it, it wasn't a pregnancy. Now it was a baby.

It was one of the most disturbing experiences of my life.

This is who I wanted...