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ok, i'm back. i won't even try to explain the events of my life this month, other than to say that i was "busy". it's been a long, hard couple of weeks, but so good at the same time, and as crazy as our life has been, i've been overwhelmed with gratitude often for specific blessings the Lord has given us more times than i could count. it seems like in times that we are pressed God is always giving us all we need and giving us insight through the situation to see more clearly just how good He is.

i will preface this post by saying i know that our hard times the past few weeks are a far cry from the worst things we will ever go through, i'm sure, but it was definitely a hard time.

we had been praying very specifically in faith about a big situation in our life. it seemed after months of specific prayers in faith, God was answering us in an incredible way- answering each prayer specifically as we'd been praying. it was amazing, and exactly what we'd been expecting as we had waited for Him to bring all things together. then, in the course of a day, each of those things given to us was taken away and we were given the opposite instead- again, i just don't have time to explain all the details, and really, they don't matter in light of what i'll try to tell you about what we've gotten out of all of this. we went from a high mountain top to a low valley in a matter of hours. it just didn't make sense. we're thinking, "God, where are you? what happened?" everywhere we turned, things weren't working out, no one could help us, everything was so difficult. honestly, it felt so lonely. all of the sudden, everything was going wrong and we couldn't hear God at all or see Him working. we knew without a doubt that God was in control and would never leave us, and we prayed and depended on Him in light of that,but we felt, well, like He'd left us. it really was such a dark time.

things played out and resolved themselves, in a way very different than we'd expected, but we knew through it all He was taking care of us and we prayed and asked God that in time, as He saw fit, that He'd help us make sense of it. honestly, it still doesn't make a lot of sense, but we're on the other side of it and in the middle of this all, He did give me this:

i guess i've never really had a hard time believing that God can do ANYTHING. my walk hasn't been marked by trouble with doubts that He's always there and is universally in control (although of course i've had my moments!). one thing i've felt Him nudging my heart about the last few months, and piercing my heart with through all of this was, "megan, what if i don't answer your prayers, what if i don't work on your behalf to make all things good in your life, what if i didn't bless you with anything, other than the knowledge that you are mine and i've given you the only thing you'll ever need- myself and adoption as my child through the blood of your brother, Jesus Christ. is that enough for you? am I enough for you? just Me, not all of the things I can give you, but just Me- am I enough? what if I had saved you and never did another thing, or said another thing to you again while you were on this earth-- would that be enough?"

my humbled, weak heart said back, "yes, Lord, You are more than enough, just You, and forgive me for forgetting that." see, i have such confidence that God can do all things, but is my love for Him conditional in that? have i come to expect His favor and blessings so much that i've forgotten that those things are overflow, but at the heart, i need to be at His throne daily, positioned at His feet just because He is who He is, regardless of what He can do for me.

i believe it was in His perfect will for us to receive incredible answers to our prayers, and i believe He wanted to give us those things first, and then tear them away to get our attention, to make my heart still and low before Him, to remind me that when all the world falls apart, all i need is Him. ALL i need is Him and He is always worthy of praise, just because He is who He is.

it was such a precious, humbling thing to experience. God is always seeking His greatest glory, and God is always about the relationship. He's about getting to the heart of each of us and making things right. He's about getting to the core of us and turning us to know the core of who He is. He knew what was in our hearts, He knew how we would react in this situation, but i believe He wanted us to know through this time of testing. He wanted us to know that even if He stripped away all that we thought we were receiving from Him and left us to wade through the mess alone that we'd still call Him our God and praise Him for being in complete control and for working for and not against us even when we couldn't see what He was doing and nothing made sense. He wanted to remind us that all of who He is is more than enough for us, even if we never received anything else from Him on this earth. receiving a gift of eternal life and relationship with Him is more than we could ever deserve on our own merit. how incredible that on top of that that He would be mindful of us and of every detail of our lives and who we are!

i'm so thankful that He used this situation to remind me of that and plant that truth so much more firmly in my heart. i knew how to praise Him when He did incredible things in my life, but now i know how much more i need to praise Him just for who He is, even if i can't see Him at work. i'm thankful that He showed us that we would remain faithful when faced with a situation where it seemed like He'd played a cruel joke on us and left us to figure it out on our own. any faithfulness we do have is a gift from Him alone, none of it is from us, and we are so thankful that He has done that work in us and will continue to build a greater and greater faithfulness in our hearts. it's a precious gift for me to know that He will give us that faith to stand when it seems He's dissappeared, because i know there could be many, many harder times to come in our lives-- the death of my husband, the loss of a child, a fire could destroy all we have, who knows what is ahead, but i believe He will give us all we need through it and if nothing else makes sense we can stand on the truth that He is God, He is on His throne and He is completely in control of our lives. he is perfect, only gives His best and is completely in love with us. life is uncertain and i'm so thankful that He used this relatively small situation to remind me that He is all that i need.

it's late, i'm tired, and although i fear this doesn't all make a lot of sense and i should probably save it as a draft and look it over in the morning i won't-- i just want to get my post out there so i know i've posted something, since it's been so long! so forgive me for my poor grammar, bad punctuatuion and i'm sure thre's more than one run-on, but i promise i'll be back with more thoughts soon, when i'm a little less tired...life never leaves you wiothout something to blog about...